Have you ever tried over and over again to get someone to like you or to see your point of view, and no matter what you do they refuse to accept you or your ideas?

Have you ever found yourself holding back your excitement about a possibility out of the fear of being disappointed? You know deep down that even if you tell yourself you aren’t expecting something, it still hurts when it doesn’t happen. Do you find yourself repeatedly trying new strategies “expecting” that this time things will be different and you will succeed, but you don’t succeed? If you have ever experienced these feelings, then you know the pain, the anger, even the rage that comes from not being able to accomplish something important to you. Why do you keep trying when you’ve been hurt or frustrated or rebuked? What is the difference between a strong and powerful expectation and a weak or delusional one?

These are good questions and the focus of this article. How you approach “expectations” is a result of your childhood lessons, your life experiences and your choices. With each and every new revelation about yourself, you can make new choices that can change everything. That’s the good news. Strong and deep expectations can make you strong, resilient against obstacles and help you create miracles in your life. That’s even better news. How do you decide what kind of expectations to have?

Growing up we got mixed messages about expectations:

·      We were taught to believe “if at first you don’t succeed…try, try again.”

·      Einstein says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

·      We were taught, “winners never quit and quitters never win.”

·      There’s a high value placed on being enthusiastic and a strong belief that getting “revved up” for whatever we are trying to accomplish is a good thing.

·      We were either encouraged to have high expectations, even if they were artificial. OR we were discouraged from having any expectation that might lead to disappointment.

With conflicting messages how do we decide what to do?

When is expectation the appropriate thing to do? Are we lowering our expectations or pretending not to care, falsely thinking that we’ll save ourselves disappointment or pain? Have we slipped out of expectation and into delusion? Is it time to give up and focus on something else?

By looking at the options above, we can gain a deeper understanding of why we do what we do. Becoming conscious of our behavior is the first step for growth. Once we understand our behavior and our options, we can make new choices and make lasting, wonderful changes in our lives. Let’s look at each question in more detail.

When is expectation the appropriate thing to do?

Genuine expectation is not just high or low. To be truly effective and powerful, it needs depth and breadth and real substance behind it. Do we have real reasons to believe we can accomplish what we are expecting? Are we really expectant or are we just revved up with Rocky music-like enthusiasm? Getting pumped up has been a popular and common form for generating expectation but it doesn’t really last and it takes a lot of energy to sustain.

Conversely, we’ve all had that feeling when we KNEW we could make something happen. It’s a calm, unshakable feeling that comes over us when we really, really believe/hope/pray/wish something will occur. It’s energizing and feels great. Recognize when you’re not feeling deep, strong and high expectations and take the time to think through your thoughts and feelings. What would it take to make you a real believer in the possibility for which you are hoping? Are you willing/able to have the courage to put your hopes, energies and beliefs into your expectations? If not, why not? These questions will help you see ways to improve your expectations and the likelihood of your success. For more information on the power of expectations, read Lynn Grabhorns’ book Excuse me, your life is waiting. This book is filled with lots of good ideas and stories.

Are we lowering our expectations or pretending not to care, falsely thinking that we’ll save ourselves disappointment or pain?

When we don’t have that deep level of genuine expectation we may resort to alternate approaches. We may become controlling, cynical, pessimistic, anxious, apathetic, depressed or feel self-doubt or fear. These alternatives are often “survival strategies” we have adopted, thinking they are a more realistic way to look at the unknown, achieve our goals or save us pain. What are we trying to accomplish with these alternatives?

·      Are we trying to be practical?

·      Protect ourselves?

·      Avoid sticking out our necks, looking foolish or being wrong in front of peers of family?

·      Do we worry, fill with anxiety “for the good of the cause” or so everyone knows we really care?

When we recognize we are substituting the above for a more real expectation, we can look into our inner logic. All behavior has meaning and there will be reasons. Taking the time to figure out why we don’t have true expectations can produce valuable insights. Once we figure out what we’re trying to create with our alternative approaches, a wise and more positive alternative is to look into ways we can create “meaty” and genuine expectations.

Have we have slipped out of expectation and into delusion? Is it time to give up and focus on something else?

The mere act of stopping your activities to ask yourself this question is very valuable. Trying over and over again to get someone or something to change, can become delusional and is very painful. Delusion is defined as “having a false belief held in spite of invalidating evidence.” When we really want something to happen, we can lose perspective. Sometimes, we need to get realistic, look at the situation and accept that we are continuing to create pain for ourselves by refusing to “give up” on a dream. Sometimes, as in relationships, we hold on to other people because we tried so hard or for so long and the thought of letting go feels like we have wasted so much. Sometimes, there is so much pain in a relationship that isn’t working, that fixing it feels like our only hope. Moving on can feel like quitting and yet sometimes, it is the healthiest choice. Moving on may require some grieving, maybe some healing and yet it is amazingly freeing.

As we can shift our energy and attention away from something that isn’t working and towards a new goal or vision or dream, we will feel differently. We can feel better about ourselves and begin to look into ways to achieve these new dreams and joyful possibilities. The difference between delusion and expectation becomes clear when we take the time to reflect on our situation.

©2001Cathryn Bond Doyle. All Rights Reserved.